Enough and my new understanding of the Parable of the Ten Virgins.

Ive been thinking a lot lately about the word ENOUGH. Enough implies a fullness, a completeness to a specific topic. Like if you are doing something annoying, then 'Enough" tells you that whatever you were doing is completely annoying. If you are making something then "enough" tells you that however much you have made is the complete amount to satisfy a need. But I will be totally honest. Enough is not a word I use to describe myself.Im not tall enough, not skinny enough, not tough enough, I dont feel pretty enough to catch anyones eye, I dont feel smart enough to gain an education properly, I dont feel talented enough to be good enough, I dont feel like I do enough to make people happy enough with me. And just when I think I am enough, something happens to convince me otherwise. A friend severs contact with me because I do something that falls short of their Enough-limit. Someone very close to me shakes me up with another "You dont do things right enough" speech. I lose a job because my efforts arent enough. I look back through my life and I cant tell you many instances where who I am and what I do are enough...and its driving me to utter despair. I just want to meet that elusive enough with just one person on this earth...and I cant..no matter what I do, my best is never enough. There is, however, one bright ray of sun in all this enough-worry. There is one person that I am, always have been and always will be ENOUGH for. Jesus Christ. I find deep comfort in knowing that when the time came to Atone for the sins and suffering of the entire world, I was worthy enough to be on His mind. I was good enough for Him to die for, and that if He had to do it over, just for me, that He would. In the eyes of my God, I am still deeply, chronically and beautifully flawed, but I am enough. This knowledge frequently resonates through me, and, like the sound waves that ripple outward from the paddle of a tolling bell, sometimes a wave of enoughness hits me, topples me down to my knees and brings tears to my eyes. Today happens to be one of those days. The last few weeks have been tough. I was laid off and hired at a new job within only a few days. I really struggle with this job, but dont dare tell anyone because I am constantly reminded that I just need to be more grateful that I have one. I work with several peers that are very adept at what they do, they are intelligent, resourceful and very talented individuals who have been doing this for a very long time. I hop from job to job, with a wide array of menial talents that are rarely useful in the real world, I havent got a clue what I am doing but I blunder through praying that this tangled mess of information will sort itself out in my head before I make a huge mistake. In the mean time I try to keep the panic from my eyes and hope no one sees my vast inadequacies. Also competing for attention in my mind is the knowledge that everyone around me is married and pregnant and that my ring finger is barren and will continue to be until I am ENOUGH (Im really starting to hate that word!). I know it annoys everyone else, but I was programmed to not be alone, and feeling alone for the last 23 years have really NOT helped me squash the feeling of needing someone in my life, sometimes I feel so achingly lonely I cant breathe, I find myself having full conversations in my head to someone who I fear will never be in my life otherwise. So I pretend that I dont really want it anyway, when truthfully, I would walk across the Sahara stark naked to get it if I had to. And finally in the last few weeks I have been involved in quite a few disagreements that have been major blows to me and meant nothing to the other parties. In short, the last few weeks have been full of every reason under the sun that I am an inadequate failure at life, and its very frustrating. Dont get me wrong, there have been happy, fantastic moments, but the frustration was lurking just below.


This wave hit me as I was sitting in a meeting at work today that was going overtime. I had to skip the first two hours of church to attend this meeting, and as I am watching the clock move closer to the time sacrament meeting starts I feel this overwhelming prompting of the spirit saying "You need the sacrament today, you need it NOW. You are enough for this, and the Lord wants you to have this, it cannot wait." As soon as the meeting was over I took off running to my car, I sped the entire way, trying to get to the chapel before it was too late...and I walked in, just as they were passing the sacrament, the chapel doors were shut and I was denied entrance. Ive never, ever CRAVED sacrament before like that. Even now, I feel the gnawing hunger in my soul that only that ordinance can fill. As I sat in the foyer silently sobbing, This startling realization came to me. I was not alone in that hunger. Christ himself taught of it when he said:

"1Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom.

2And five of them were wise, and five were foolish.

3They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them:

4But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps.

5While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept.

6And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him.

7Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps.

8And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out.

9But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves.

10And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut.

11Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us.

12But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not.

13Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh."

I felt like a foolish virgin with not enough oil, and although this circumstance was out of my control, I could only imagine how the 5 virgins would feel, standing at the door and being denied entrance and access to the Savior and his redeeming ordinances. It was a sobering moment for me. So while I may still struggle with my feelings on inadequacy and loneliness, I find peace in knowing that the Lord loves me and in His eyes, I am enough. So while the rest of you will choose to stay or to leave, to love me for my lack of enough or to hate me because I embarrass you with my lack thereof, I can still smile, because my enough is enough for the one who counts, and as long as I am making the effort, that will never change.