When I first started my blog I promised that I wouldnt write a negative post, but right now I really feel the need to write, and facebook isnt safe for my thoughts anymore. I have to warn, this is not going to be happy and more than likely not even coherent but I really need to do this...
I am overwhelmed, stressed out and frustrated beyond all belief. I am tired, lonely and out of touch. I cant remember the last time I had a hug, like a good hug. not a one armed "Im going to hang on you like a cheap curtain" type of hug, but a hug that just hold me close, warm and safe and secure. the kind of hug that just hold on until I feel ok again. my entire body aches, not in a satisfying "I feel like I have something accomplished" kind of ache but the one that refused to let me sleep at night because I am in pain. I am tired physically, emotional, spiritually....nearly any way you can think of and I dont even know what to do about any of it anymore. I feel detached, I find myself doing my daily chores (which take somewhere between 2 and 6 hours a day) and I realize that I have done most of it on auto pilot, I dont think about it anymore. I dont think about anything anymore...I guess I daydream about things like summer, laying in a hammock in the sunshine and taking a nap, far away from everything or other things, like a man that could really love me, someone that would want to marry me..but I know that in the end its a waste of time to think about any of that. there wont ever come a day when Im not going to have to step in and take up the slack, and there is no white knight thats going to come in and somehow make things better. I guess my biggest frustration is that all of this started because of a series of events out of my control. and nothing I have done or can do will make it better. Ive resigned myself to the fact that my fiance dumped me, and I have lost 2 jobs with no job offers coming in (not for lack of trying on my part) because God has decided that for some reason I need to be here, on my parents ranch, working my butt off and falling apart at the seams as a way to either test my mettle or to ensure that we are able to keep the ranch. my brother was hired to do this work, and as I write this, at 1 in the afternoon, he is still in bed. the same place he spent yesterday, and the day before, and the day before....I hate the fact that he sits in bed all day, screws off all night and treats everyone poorly, and his work is left to me and my 70 something grandpa and my 15 year old brother to take care of. I hate the fact that I get up every day and do by myself what it takes 3 people to do at night, and they never do it all so I still have to come in and do it that night or the next day. This morning he actually asked me why I have an attitude problem...gee...I bust my butt to pick up the slack that you refuse to do, and I ask you a question and once again you have dropped the ball....why on earth would I even be annoyed?! and I hate the fact that all I seem to be getting is a "why dont you just do this too? you can handle it" "nate says that you dont do anything anyway, and dad left him in charge" or my favorite "well thats ok...one day you will get it right" Im so sick of giving more than I have to everyone and getting nothing in return. I dont remember the last time I had a friend call me just to see how I was...they always want something...I guess I should be glad that they, like everyone else, know they can depend on me, but I want to be selfish...I want something to ONCE be about me, I want things to start working out, I want someone to say "hey. youve been working hard and your under a lot of stress, what can I do to help" without me having to say anything about wishing I had help. I want someone that I can depend on like everyone depends on me. I want a reason to feel pretty again...I want....I dont know....I just....want someone to care. like REALLY care...and I think that its maybe too much to ask....
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