Valentines day, romance and happiness

Well, valentines day has come and gone, none the sooner in my opinion. I dread that holiday, and every year it just seems to get worse. I guess I finally got to that 'make or break' point. I used to think that I hated valentines day because I didnt have a valentine, there was no love for me, no romance and in my mind, no hope. But I have had the chance to reflect a lot, and thats really not the case at all. I just think that Valentines day is hokey...its cause for a lot of desperate romance, a lot of fake emotions...its a chance for people to either bemoan the fact that they are alone or flaunt the fact that they arent.

I sometimes think that people think Im desperate for love in my life, although thats not the case at all, Im terrified of it...Im scared to death that I'll fall in love again and Ill end up with my heart obliterated again. In reality I think that its impossible for anyone to love me. Eternally, undeniably, irrevocably love me and I cant fault any guy for not wanting to love me. Im deeply flawed and really set in my ways, I have so much baggage it comes in a set, and my trust/commitment issues are big enough to make Mauna Loa look small. I think that should I ever get in a relationship again I wouldnt know what to do...Id be paralyzed by fear of failure, dread of the inevitable heartbreak and this sick desperation to not screw it up again.

This however does not mean that I dont believe in love. Somewhere deep inside me is this spring of hope for a happy ending. I love trying to help people in their journeys of love (even if it makes me a little wistful for one of my own). I love seeing my friends find that well deserved half to make them whole, I love looking at their pictures of their engagements, weddings, honeymoons, pregnancies and families it makes me so happy to see how there is someone out there that just fits so well with the people I hold dear. it makes me hope that they find a few moments to read what I write, to look at the pictures I post and to somehow care about me too. I used to fret about being the only one of my friends that was single....I used to freak out about being the last, about all of my friends forgetting me...but I dont even care anymore if Im the last person on earth who is married. I just cant care about it anymore. but I wish eternal happiness for each person who is dear to me.

On that vein Ive also got to think about how different things are now. As most of you know, a year ago I was a newly engaged woman, I was on top of the world and I felt like great things were at my fingertips, but that all changed with his mind and I was totally devastated, I was lost and confused and in anguish...but as I have had the chance to think about it, Im SO grateful! I was blinded by romance and by hope and warm fuzzies, we would have made each other miserable, Im too headstrong and he is too in control..Im a little eclectic and he is structured. If you would have told me a year ago that I would be living in my parents basement tending their cows and not going to school, that my fiance had dumped me and that things had come about how they have, I would have said you were the biggest jerk, that you were nuts. but you know....Im ok with it. Im happy, even though Im jobless and in a sense homeless, even though I spend my days talking to cows and making bread, even though I cant stand 90% of the 'friends' I have here...Im oddly happy. Ive realized that I dont need him, or any of the other men that have used me for a few days then left me for greener pastures, I dont need butterflies, I dont need to see someone standing there with love in their eyes and love on their lips to make me a good person. I can still be a sister, a friend, a daughter, a teacher...anything I want without having to be a lover or a wife. I find some crazy contentment in tending the calves every day. in being NEEDED. not wanted, or being of assistance, but having something depend on me daily. I love it. I guess I dont really know what Im trying to say...just that Im oddly happy, even though it seems I lost everything...Maybe Happiness is a place inside, its trying to find contentment in where ever you are, no matter what the heck goes wrong, no matter how many broken dreams or scars on your heart, its the happy in the now and the hope for forever that is the beautiful part.