Reality check courtesy of Kyle

The last few days I have felt like a total failure, like nothing I did or could do was good enough. I felt frustrated, sad, depressed and totally alone. (In all seriousness, female hormones are dangerous things and I think they suck.) I felt trapped by circumstances out of my control (a cop out, I will admit), and I felt like things were never going to change (which may or may not be entirely true...sorta).

Finally, it all came to a head last night when my dipshit of a brother, decided once again to play his music rather loudly while everyone else was in bed. He has this irritating habit of laying on either the living room floor, right above my bed, or on his bed, which is on the side of his room that is closest to mine, and blasting his music at night. And when someone asks him not to, his response is "I don't care", which is usually followed by some sort of obnoxious phrase like "I wouldn't do it if I had headphones, but...(insert lame excuse here) so last night, in total frustration, I climbed out of bed, nigh unto weariness about midnight, grabbed an extra pair of headphones...marched up the stairs and chucked them at his head with the stipulation that I wanted them back. He was only to happy to oblige that demand immediately. When I pleadingly insisted that he take them so that I could sleep, he responded with "Nope, the other night you were up late giggling, shut up and suffer with everyone else." (yeah, my brother is the worlds biggest jerk, I know) Then he proceeded to tell me how I'm a horrible person, inconsiderate of others feelings and that I am a burden to everyone around me. That I'm selfish and that my parents hate having me there because I don't do anything. He also proceeds to tell me that his behavior is just fine because he does all this stuff to help out, and that nothing that has happened to him is his fault. (By this point I'm verging tears, and I leave.) I climb into bed, his words swirling in my head again and again, everything piling up inside me, finally bursting forth in hot tears, stupidly I reach for my phone pulling up facebook, and write a heated and self depreciating remark before turning to twitter (the little cricket in my ear telling me that this is NOT a good idea and the wounded little girl inside silencing him sharply) I write something about how this entire week has just been one massive fail after another. I shut my phone down, reach for my cuddling pillow (childish I know, but sometimes I just NEED something to cuddle) and I weep myself silently to sleep, rave music and BBC blasting from the computer and TV just overhead. Fast forward to this morning, my alarm goes off, snooze, goes off again, my eyes are tender from the tears last night, any thought of putting contacts in today is immediately squashed and I reach for my glasses (the ones that make me feel 12 and not pretty, which is what I was going for anyway) heaving a giant sigh, the hurt still there as I look around my horrifically messy room, I get up and dress quickly. The whole time my parents are asking me if I am ready yet. (WHY on earth we leave so much earlier than we need to is still lost on me, but whatever.) I'm brushing my teeth and this sudden thought runs through my head, one that always lurks in the back of my mind. I survey my sleep mused hair, the glasses, my face red from sleep and recovering from my monthly break-out, my teeth in dire need of a cleaning, the horrible orange stain on the enamel from my childhood, faded but still evident, and I pause, tooth brush in hand and the thought sweeps my head in a nasty inner voice saying "Would you LOOK at that?! Who, WHO on earth would ever happily agree to take that forever. You are a hopeless cause, one who isn't even worth the effort that would take to polish you up. Those guys were all right to get out while they could, and Patrick was the most lucky to escape. You would have ruined them. Its time to stop trying, just be done." I rather dejectedly leave for work. I look outside the window as we are driving, the sun isn't even close to being up yet, its still still and dark, most house lights are off.

I see this beautiful harvest moon hanging low in the sky, full and large, like a fat, white blueberry floating in a pool of India ink. As it always does, the light from the moon seems to beam right through my eyes into the cold furls of my wounded heart, breathing a little life and happiness into it again, inflating it a little like a balloon. I summon the effort to send a fast text to Kyle, knowing that he is up to appreciate the scene as well, I no sooner hit send than I'm sleeping, hard. I know I dreamed of sunshine and something really happy, but it fled when I opened my eyes an hour later at my phone chirping once I got service though the canyon again. Its Kyle. "Yes," he says "it really is beautiful today" (this is something of our thing. Its always a beautiful day to Kyle, and I love that about my friend, I love that he reminds me to slow down and see what there is here, and that there is beauty to be found anywhere.) I brave a sleepy half smile. Immediately my phone chirps again. Kyle. "What was the nature behind your last tweet?" I don't know whether to smile or hide, I feel incredibly ashamed that I said anything, no one needs to know or even care when I'm hurting. That's the things about being single, there is no one to tell when you have a crappy day, and if your like me, you feel guilty telling anyone...they have no reason to care. But its sorta nice, albeit embarrassing when someone hears (or in this case, sees) your cry for help. I carefully respond that its just been one of those weeks where everything has gone wrong, and then the words start pouring out of me, this ache to be understood throbbing in me. With incredible tenderness that just proved to me that he really was listening to what I was saying in not as many words, he carefully responds. I don't know how, but he said JUST what I needed to hear. That I need to take hold of life. That I need to make it better, but not try to manhandle it. I'm really bad at letting things go, at going with what happens, but doing in in a proactive and constructive way.

I realize Ive been kinda mopey lately, restless and unsure about things. and I realized, talking to Kyle that I turned into the kind of girl I hate the most. The girl that focuses her whole life on getting married. The one that does anything she can to find a guy, and instantly is determined that he is the one, then is terribly depressed when it doesn't work out. The girl that thinks a white knight is going to solve everything. This is the result of Disney fairy tales and the deluded idea that a man can solve everything, while the truth is, they solve some issues and bring up an entire cacophony of more. I get frustrated because I feel like I am someone that isn't worth the efforts required, but the painful truth is that right now I'm not a woman who deserves it. I'm not a woman who would really make a good wife. Yet. And that makes me sad. I want to be ready, I want to be that woman. Now. Today. I want to be prepared to find someone who looks past the glasses and the stained enamel, past the wounded doe inside me to see that I am a woman with courage to change, a woman who will give her whole heart to the right man. And I cant be THAT woman until I become the woman capable of controlling her own life. In many ways I still act 18, and I cant do that anymore. Its time to grow up. Its time for me to focus on my assets and to nourish my talents, its time to cut out bad habits and people, time to better my life. To get a grip the things that are asked of me. Its time to be the woman that I prayed God would make me, He cant work with hardened clay. I need to be malleable, and I need to stretch in ways I didn't think possible. Most of all, I need to learn that while I might not be the most beautiful, the smartest, funniest, or richest girl in the world, that I am a person worth knowing. But I can tell you already, there is one person who believes in me, and I'm so grateful that he took the time this morning to let me know. I don't think he even knows what he has done, but I'm grateful he did it. Thank you Kyle. :) Its a beautiful day.