I had an interesting conversation the other day. I had just come out of a fireside by Elder Christofferson (AMAZING btw) and was waiting for my next meeting to start. I was sitting with a girl friend and a brother in my ward who are both single. We were talking about how hard it is to be single, and how many people in our Mormon subculture aren't as understanding of early 20's singlehood (or in the case of the brother in my ward, how hard it is to date after a long marriage ends in divorce.) We were in the middle of our talk when one of the councilors in my ward walked in. He sat and listened to us talk for a few minutes, quietly hearing my friends talk about how they felt like they were of less worth to the ward families. Of how people made rash assumptions and how many were callous and tactless in their questions to them. He heard me say that someone insisted that because I wasn't married I wasn't fulfilling my divine purpose and that the Lord was not pleased with me. We spoke of our frustrations and concerns that people wouldn't take us seriously as long as we were single. He said not a word. After a few moments, my friends left and I followed the councilor to an office where we were joined by members of the Relief Society and the Elders Quorum. We sorted things out, I felt immense relief, having prayed earlier in the week for the Lord to send someone to help alleviate my stress, to help me not have to do it all on my own. As we were walking out of the building we began talking. I realized that the older members of the church aren't trying to haze or pressure my generation into premature and unhappy marriage, but they are deeply concerned with many social trends that they see now. I agree. The person from the EQ said that he noticed that so many guys seem to have these really bad experiences when they get back from their missions, and that makes them hesitant to pursue a long term relationship. The lady from RS said that too few men don't act like gentlemen, and too few women act like ladies. The member of the bishopric noted that too many of us have become complacent in what we want thinking that we have to conform to the pressure and don't wait for the right one, or in turn make ourselves the right one. They were genuinely saddened when I said that I believe in love, but that I don't believe it exists for me. They were very upset when I said that I had been treated too badly in the past to believe that any one's intentions toward me are honest and kind. I said that I hoped someone someday would be persistent and gentle enough to prove me wrong, but that I wasn't going to wait for it. I have other dreams to seek. We talked for an hour, and I left with many thoughts in my head. I heard their words ringing through my brain, spurring me to action. I have sat back recently and noticed many problems of my generation (yeah, I know...I talked about this in my last post), and many of these problems I am guilty of as well.
Many people these days are choosing to delay marriage and a family in order to have n 'established career'. There is nothing wrong with having a career, or waiting for a family until you are ready, but ready isn't when you have a perfect house, no debt and a 401K. Ready is when you are capable of making a commitment to one person and keeping that commitment. I will be the first person to admit that this is a SCARY idea! (like jumping out of a plane scary, so many things can go so horribly wrong and there's nothing you can do to get back in the plane, but so many things can go so wonderfully right and you can land safe and sound (and not alone)...but you will never know either way until you jump.) Also along this line, many people aren't willing to sacrifice their dreams for their partner or their family. Nor is it fair of anyone to expect their partner to sacrifice everything for the other person to achieve their dreams, but in order to have successful marriage, compromise is key. For me, any guy who expects me to become the ideal 1950's housewife is kicked straight to the curb. I can and will compromise until the perfect solution can be found, but I will not allow a man to dictate what things I may and may not do. That isn't right.
When the lady in my RS presidency said that men aren't gentlemen and women aren't ladies, I wholeheartedly agree! Before you begin scoffing, think about the last time you had a door held open for you/held a door open for someone. Did you smile and say 'Thank you'? Did you ignore the person holding the door. I remember going to the Sadie Hawkins dance my senior year. the girls in the group thought that since they had asked the guys, they should hold the doors, it really bothered every guy in our group. They wanted to treat us like ladies and we weren't allowing them. If I could go back to my 17 year old self that night, I would smack me! Girls these days (saying that makes me feel old) think that its acceptable to act like less than they are. They are the mothers of the human race. They are as noble as a queen. Or they should be. I don't always act like I am.
There used to be clear definitions for men and women. Men protected the weak and innocent. Women nurtured and beautified. Together you had a safe haven of peace, discipline and beauty. While I believe that its sexist to say that women cant wear pants or be judges or make laws, I am a little disheartened that I have few reasons to feel like a woman anymore. Outside of church, I have no reason to wear nice clothes or put on makeup. If I make a special effort to look nice, people become critical of my efforts because we live in a jeans and tee shirt society. I am a secretary, and if I wear anything more than my jeans, boots and hoodie, including nice jewelry, my coworkers notice and its disheartening because its like my efforts to feel like a woman aren't appreciated. Women used to be courted, now they are one of the guys until another guy wants to marry them...wait..HUH?! yeah...I feel like many guys want a low maintenance girl. Which is fine and dandy, but every guy I have dated, EVERY SINGLE ONE, insisted that I stop making the effort to make myself feel beautiful using cute but irritating reasons like "Don't wear makeup, you don't need it,"coupled with "besides, its expensive." or "Don't wear heels, it makes you walk slow." (ok, the last one is just irritating, not cute) Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I feel like men and women have been put into this melting pot where you come out with a generations of thems, or its or whatever..and its depressing because some of us want the distinction of masculine/feminine.
Ok, I'm getting long winded...yet again, so I'll wrap up for now, but I would like to hear everyone else's thoughts. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment