1 Samuel 16:7

In the last week Ive had several glaring alerts to all the things wrong with my appearance. First, my daddy, whom I have not seen in several months came up to visit. Upon his arrival, he proceeded to point out to my brother the 15....ok...20 pounds Ive gained since I began dating my husband. I knew it was coming even before he arrived, but I didnt count on it becoming the topic of discussion for as long as it did, nor did I think that it would hurt as much as it did. Not a word was said about the special effort I had made to look really nice for my parents and brother. (seriously, ask Joe, I spent at least an hour working on my hair and makeup, and changed my clothes at LEAST 10 times before they showed up.) The next day we went to my in laws for our open house in Joe's hometown. Many of his family and neighbors came down to congratulate us, and as happy as I was, I was suddenly VERY conscious of the few little pimples on my chin, my stringy looking hair and more plump figure that Im still trying to figure out how to dress flatteringly. After that, I told my husband that I want to try one of those skinny wrap things that I see cluttering up my newsfeed. I began thinking of getting my hair done to make me look more pretty and of all these things I could do if I were more beautiful. Then, yesterday, I see this video put out by Dove, where these women are taken in to a sketch artist where and asked to describe themselves while the artist, separated by a curtain, draws them. After them comes in someone that they were told to get to know earlier, and they describe them as well. The sketches were VASTLY different, helping the women realize that they are harder on themselves than they should be. I LOVED it, I cried and wondered if I asked, how people would describe me. Would they see the too large forehead a hair stylist once diagnosed me with, or perhaps my eyes, while having a beautiful color, they are too small, too close together and always seem to have little dark circles under them. Perhaps they would see my lips, the ones that I always found beautiful until a Mary Kay lady declared that they were thin. Or the hair that Ive been told is too fine to do anything with. In a moment of despair I changed my funny profile picture that shows my silly personality and a funny, lighthearted moment with my husband to a professional, touched up studio shot of me in my wedding dress. Dont get me wrong, I look very pretty in the bridal portrait, and I love the picture, but I changed it for the wrong reason. I made a new status asking my friends to tell me what they see when they look at me, and I texted my husband, nearly in tears, asking him why he thinks Im beautiful. I got comment after comment about my personality, and my husband gave that answer too. Part of me was disappointed. I mean, being the girl with the 'great personality' is a little depressing. I want to be that girl with the smoking hot body, right?! So today, Im feeling a little bit better, then I see that one of my friends has posted a link to this blog post about why they hated the Dove video. She was frustrated because the video shows what she deems as more attractive people, that it still doesnt say that people with physical appearance conditions are attractive too. So, then I get frustrated. If youve been reading my blog for a while, you may know that I was on a medicine to treat my mild acne and it gave me complications that Im still dealing with years later. Complications that I may deal with my entire life. At that point in my life I had to learn (and then apparently promptly forgot) that my acne did not determine my worth. Then I started remembering the campaign to have Mattel make bald Barbies for little girls going through cancer so they feel beautiful too. Suddenly, the cloud over my head broke, and the spirit began to teach me. The problem with the Dove ad, isnt that it isnt diverse enough. The problem with Barbie isnt that she doesnt show little girls that they arent pretty enough. The problem with my actions wasnt that it was an unveiled attempt to gain validation for my feelings about myself. The problem is that no matter what your argument about how to make women feel more beautiful about themselves we fail to focus on WHAT makes someone beautiful. Im not beautiful because of my cute little nose, or because I have this adorable little dimple under one of my eyes, or because I have these really pretty green eyes. But I am beautiful because Ive been a true friend. Because Ive held the hand of a dying woman. Because I make people smile. Because I love a man who has a past. Because Ive gone through trials and overcame them. Im very ashamed of myself for wanting people to validate my physical traits and being disappointed when they told me that my spirit is beautiful. Or for being a little sad when my husband told me that my personality is beautiful. Id rather be known for being a woman of kindness than a woman of unsurpassed beauty, especially when physical appearance changes and fades. And Id especially rather be known for seeing others for who they are instead of how they look. I want to be like the scripture in the bible that states " But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart."