Shouldn't you be fat yet?!

Ill be totally honest and admit that Ive been feeling this for a long time, but have been too self conscious and worried about what people would say, that I didn't want to tell anyone what I was really feeling. But, what I'm feeling, its not totally healthy, and I feel like, at this point, something needs to be said. 

I hate the way I look right now. 

I look in the mirror and see this ugly, blown up blimp and my clothes don't fit and are uncomfortable. 

If I had to tack an image to what I FEEL like, it would look something like this:

Yeah, I know. SUPER attractive. 

So what? Every girl feels like that some days, right? Yeah...maybe...

But here's the deal. I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant. Deep down in all of my Jabba the Hutt feelings, I WANT to feel like this: 

Yeah, I know. I have a tall order. I want to feel like Heidi Klum. (again, what girl DOESN'T?!) She is iconically sexy, beautiful, confident...and even with a belly out to there, she is comfortable in her skin. Its more than comfort, its her, showing off the glory of her pregnancy to the world, with nothing to hide and no fear about what people are going to say. I WANT THAT.  

I found myself telling someone the other day that I was grateful its winter because my belly still hides under a hoodie or my coat and people can barely tell I'm pregnant. How sad is that?! I'm harboring a precious soul inside me, bringing LIFE into the world, and I'm glad that people cant see it because it means that I am safe from their critical comments. And DON'T even try to tell me that people aren't critical of pregnant ladies, anyone recall these two? 

These two gained more during their pregnancy than Heidi Klum did, that much is clearly evident, but they are still out there, exuding the same confidence that Ms. Klum did. The same "I am comfortable in the skin that I am in right now, I am making LIFE" kind of confidence that I wish I had. And because they gained more weight, they were totally SLAMMED in the media, which of course, transcended to the general populace. I, myself, have slammed on these women, that I DON'T EVEN KNOW, because they 'got fat' while they were pregnant. No wonder Ms. Kardashian sequestered herself in her house for months after giving birth. Id want to stay in a place where I didn't have to listen to complete strangers telling me I was fat. I wouldn't want to be having to hear all these people telling me that I wasn't good enough because my body wasn't rail thin even though I had just brought a baby into the world. Talk about messed up priorities. 

And the sad thing is, that SO many women gain a bunch of weight when they are pregnant. Its how our bodies help us carry that cute little kiddo. But we live in a society that's a little sick in the way they view women, and the way they teach women to view themselves. I've read dozens of articles that point out that we so often teach our daughters from a very young age that their physical appearance is important. And shocking new statistics show that by the time many girls reach adolescence she is already concerned with losing weight. Eating disorders are at an all time high, diet and exercise programs make thousands of dollars a year and there are products flooding the market that are 'guaranteed to make you look thinner with little to no effort.' 

Dipping your toe into that pool of societal validation can get you sucked into a vortex of self-depreciation, loathing and low self-esteem that is incredibly difficult to escape from.

Ive worried SO much about my weight while Ive been pregnant. To the point where its almost ridiculous. The first 25 weeks of my pregnancy, I had some pretty severe morning sickness. There were some days I could LITERALLY keep nothing down til maybe 3 in the afternoon. I spent HOURS in the bathroom throwing up sips of water that just wouldn't settle my stomach. 

I remember going to my in laws at about week 18. They were having a big picnic and I was having one of my very rare days where I could actually eat. After about 2 weeks of having nothing but toast, water and apple juice, I was SO INCREDIBLY EXCITED to be eating things like corn on the cob, a brat and a piece of cake (a very small piece of cake, mind you. I didn't want to get TOO carried away and jinx things!) I sat down next to my husband, and his uncle, who, I'm sure was only teasing around, looked at my plate and said that just because I was pregnant didn't mean I had to eat for two. I was CRUSHED! My plate wasn't piled high, and I hadn't eaten anything of real substance in days! I was actually feeling great because I had (as I later told my husband) 'only thrown up a little' that morning. But suddenly the confidence I had, fled. My appetite went a little dry and I managed to gag down (and luckily retain) about 3/4 of the food on my plate. Later that day, I had three separate women come up to me and offer me counsel on my eating habits. Apparently my full plate had caused them to assume that I got to eat like that all the time, and that I was going to 'balloon'. "Be careful how you eat honey," they warned, "You don't want to gain 65 pounds then have to try to lose it all as soon as the baby comes." They said it in the kind of tone that implied that if I gained any weight, that I would lose the attention of my husband and that my child would resent me forever for being a 'fat lard'. I remember being incredibly sick the next morning and being grateful because it meant I wouldn't gain any weight. 

Of course, at my next midwife appointment, when I still hadn't gained any weight and had only a tablespoon of water and a two inch french fry in my stomach, and they told me not to leave town in case I still couldn't keep anything down and they needed to give me an IV, I started praying that SOMEHOW I could get better. Luckily, I did, and at my next appointment, I had gained 3 lbs! Here I am, over halfway through my pregnancy, and I have gained a total of 3 lbs. (But that wasn't from my pre-pregnancy weight, nope. I had gained three lbs from the LOWEST I had lost...so my weight gain was still considered negative) When they told me that I had gained those three pounds, I feel like cheering! I was SO proud of that small accomplishment! I was on my way to visit my parents this time, and I felt FANTASTIC! My husband was at hunting camp and I was just so excited to have a few days at home. I could eat the kind of food I wanted, and my small appetite was growing just like my baby. 

The day before I left, I went to a health food shop with my brother because there were some people there that wanted to see me while I was in town. In the shop were several other women and I ended up stuck in a corner with all these strangers telling me not to eat too much because I would get fat. I distinctly remember saying that I wasn't worried about it because I hadn't gained any positive weight at that point (in the vain hopes that they would back off). One of the holistic vultures replied "Oh, don't worry, it will come, and once it starts it will just PILE on!" (I can tell you that I wasn't worried before, but suddenly I was!) Later that evening, I was at my youngest brothers high school choir concert and had to step out for a moment to take a very important call about a charity case I was working on. While I am on the phone, a lady that Ive known for a while comes up to me and loudly blurts out "Shouldn't you be fat YET?!" I'm totally stunned. What the heck am I supposed to do?! I'm on a very important phone call, and here's yet ANOTHER person inquiring about my weight. (and I'm sorry, but calling my baby "FAT" is probably a sure fire way to piss off any pregnant lady, right?!) I did the only thing that my brain could think of, I shot her a VERY nasty look, yanked up the hem of the hoodie I was wearing (pretty sure it was my husbands because none of mine fit at that point) so she could see my 'fat belly', then I walked off. I finished my phone call a second later and when I turned around, she was still standing there. 

"You know," she started, and my mind filled with this impending sense of dread that YET AGAIN it was going to happen. "I gained 85 pounds with all of my babies." 

That's nice. 

"Yeah, I'm not really worried about--" 

"It all comes in the last 6 weeks." She shrewdly rakes my body with her eyes at this point and then finishes in an altogether too cheerful voice: "Good luck trying to get it all off!" 

I went back to my parents house and cried for a solid 45 minutes. 

Since then, Ive become a little more leery about wearing shirts that show off my belly. I hate going to church because I only have two dresses and it makes it hard to cover my burgeoning abdomen. I'm really critical of how I look, about the numbers on the scale, about the fact that my husband has stopped referring to me as 'beautiful', 'sexy', 'hot' and now only calls me 'cute' (which is way better than 'prettily plump', I suppose). I used to be that girl that people called tiny. Now I look like a lawn flamingo, itty bitty legs and a big ol body. I'm scared to post belly pics on facebook...and really, its not like anyone asks to see them, so I guess I could get away with not showing them...

I guess that my biggest frustration is that I already have people trying to get me to buy their stupid diet tricks from them. That this overwhelming message I'm getting is "Hey, you fat cow, you need to hurry up and get skinny again, that even though its taken 9 months for you to get to where you are now, that you need to lose all that weight as soon as that baby comes out!" I guess Ill schedule my Lipo for right after my 6 week follow up. 

Why the heck cant I just look at my belly that houses my precious child and love this uncomfortable mountain for what it is? I seriously thought I would struggle to get pregnant, so the fact that I did so quickly, is kind of a miracle straight out of the Bible, and instead of being able to look at this body that is doing this totally AMAZING thing, Ive allowed myself to become indoctrinated by society. I stepped into the vortex and I don't know if I can get out on my own. 

I have less than 6 weeks to find that kind of confidence that Heidi Klum, Jessica Simpson and Kim Kardashian have when they are pregnant, but I'm going to dig and try to find that confidence, because this child deserves that. They deserve a mom who is confident in her own skin, someone who tells them that they have a beautiful soul, and that having flat abs and a gap between your thighs is superficial compared to a full heart and a generous spirit. 

I want my baby to know that they are loved and that I have loved them from the very moment I saw those two pink lines on that pregnancy test. 

My mom shared this link with me, and it sums it up pretty well. This is all my baby ever needs to know