Don't Pull Your Hair

This kid, he is cute. He is a happy, bright eyed, inquisitive baby. He has cute little rolls on his knees, dimples in his cheeks and two cute ones on his back, just above his bum, and he has this head FULL of long dark hair! And his hair attracts quite a bit of attention.Before I even knew if my baby was a boy or a girl, I knew it was coming with LOTS of hair, as I was pushing him out, my midwife kept exclaiming that my baby had so much hair!  Nurses in the hospital exclaimed that it was so beautiful, strangers in Walmart came up to look at it, people at church have come up and pet his head. No matter where we go, people talk about his hair. And its not just random people that love his hair, as a newborn, he loved having his hair brushed and stroked. About six weeks ago, he discovered his hair and could often be seen reaching up to feel the funny stuff on his head. He started playing with his hair as a soothing mechanism. He can often be found playing with his hair when he is drowsy and trying to go to sleep. One day I even put him in a crocheted hat that looked like a minion and he couldn't go to sleep, until he discovered that the hat has 'hair' too! Then he fell fast asleep, happily clutching the 'hair' on the hat.

In fact, the other day I found him laying on the floor, playing with his hair, opening and closing his chubby little hands around the silky strands to his hearts content. Suddenly, he started getting quite fussy. I was a little confused until I realized that he was pulling his hair quite hard! I pried his fingers off of his hair and he was instantly better. Now I find this a multi-daily occurrence. I never thought I'd find myself saying "STOP PULLING YOUR HAIR!" but I do. Today, I noticed that there are a few spots on his head where the hair is thinning from all his yanking. He is quite literally pulling his own hair out. 

He is unknowingly destroying something about himself that sets him apart and makes him uniquely himself. In all his innocence, he is causing himself unnecessary pain because of something that he thinks makes him feel better. I think I am more like that than I'd care to admit. I find myself ripping out my own hair, metaphorically, and just like my son, its unnecessary pain that I don't need to inflict upon myself. I am really good at grabbing hold of the things that make me uniquely myself, and I yank and pull on them, trying to remove those things I think are weird and maybe 'not cool'. Except, instead of using chubby little hands, I am self depreciating, judgmental and set ridiculous and unreachable standards for myself. I tell myself that I'm not pretty, not talented, that I'm a bad wife and mother so why even try? I convince myself that I don't have friends because Im awful to be around and that I deserve to feel alone. But the reality is that I'm a healthy, attractive woman with many gifts and abilities that make me different and distinctly me. My husband loves me and my son is a beautiful, happy boy who could be the poster child for infant health. I have many people in my life who love me and care about me but also live full and busy lives which makes it hard for us to have the social lives that we once had. As much as I wish my son would stop yanking out all of his hair, I'm sure that God wants me to stop beating myself up. Actually, I'm totally confident that he wants me to love myself MORE than I want my boy to stop pulling his hair. He wants me to believe in myself, to see my beauty and talents and accept them as much as I've allowed myself to accept my flaws. He wants me to stop pulling my hair out, and let those things that make me who I am, show for the world to see. Next time I think a negative thought, or say that I'm so stupid for forgetting something, or let my fear and insecurities hold me back from doing or wearing something, I'm going to remember that its time to stop pulling my own hair. Its time to let who I am shine forth, and its definitely time to be in my own corner. 

This boy, he is four months old, and he teaches me every day to be a better person. This boy, someday, he may just change the world, he's already changed mine.