Anti-social media

My first semester of college was the first time I had ever heard of Facebook. It was 2007, and I had ignored the MySpace bandwagon, I had barely got my first email address (and, I confess, I still use it today, but its SO cluttered with junk mail, and no one emails me anymore anyway that I never use it.) I remember thinking that Facebook was dumb, who would actually USE that thing anyway? A few months after my second semester ended and I was on my break between semesters, I started to get pretty lonely for my friends. I was living at home and there were no YSA programs or people my age around. I caved and got a Facebook account to stay in touch with all my college friends. There weren't many of us on there, it being a relatively 'new' thing. You had to have an active college email to sign up. There was no 'poking', no chat feature, no games. You could share pictures, write on each others walls, write statuses in third person...it was very utilitarian. I loved it. It was fun to find my friends quirky thoughts, to share silly jokes and comment on goofy pictures. We were in college and the world was ours. Slowly, imperceptibly, Facebook changed and evolved, like my life. You no longer needed a college email to join, and suddenly, my mom, my grandma, obscure distant third cousins all wanted to be friends. Suddenly, they were privy to the quirky thoughts of my college friends, I found that I was starting to have to censor my thoughts more, one becomes a little more cautious what you say or share when your mom can see it. Younger cousins and friends joined Facebook...theres something definitely hard to handle when you have your mom and all her older friends talking about aging and right next to that you see high school break ups. Menopause and puberty are hard to cope with when you are doing it all on social media. I watched college friends get engaged, then married. I watched them have babies, buy new cars and houses. I was a voyeur in their lives. The digital screen, glowing in my eyes, somehow made my viewing of those private moments ok. Its like having my face pressed to the glass of their homes, my breath, fogging the window, yet, somehow, this peeping, its ok, acceptable. Encouraged. Facebook and my life kept changing. No longer were my friends a few blocks away, now they are places like India, Seattle, Denmark, Cheyenne. I can't just get in the car and drive to their house. Hug them, have a real conversation, see all the microexpressions that flicker across their face while we talk of life and babies. To see their beautiful children, I have to go to their page, see what they have posted. No longer are there funny stories told, face to face, everything is now eternally memorialized by the tapping of keys and the glow of a pixleated screen. I will never forget when Facebook added the messenger feature, how great I thought it was. I wish I had known that the little bleep was a death knell to interpersonal communication. That my phone would stop ringing. That my email would be empty of letters from friends. Now, I am married, and I was expected to post wedding pictures right away (but I didnt). I have a son, and was expected to post all of my ultrasounds (but I didnt). I have pictures and videos hidden away, their sweet, tender moments are reserved for me. I selfishly hide some of my moments away from the voyeurs in my life. I have been accused of not posting enough pictures of my son, sometimes I feel as though I am expected to share everything. I understand being far apart and wanting to stay connected. I miss those people who are genuinely my friends. I miss their laughter, I miss the memories that we made of sitting on the floor, playing cards or watching movies or going on adventures. But we are adults now. Moms and dads with dinner time and bedtime stories. We are scattered across the globe and can no longer pop a bag of popcorn and rent a movie together. Past generations were more open. I introduced myself to a neighbor yesterday. We have lived across the street from each other for over a year. He is the first person on my block I have talked to. Neighbors used to talk to each other. The front porch used to be a place where people gathered and made REAL memories. Now its Facebook, where the friendships are real, but the memories arent. The digital world is an empty shadow of the real one. I long for the tangible again. I would prefer a text to a Facebook message, A phone or skype call to a mass produced and shared inspirational quote. I would cherish the letters that I received way more than any 'like' I could ever get on Facebook. I went on an adventure last weekend with a few of my sisters in law and it was the most fun I have had in a very long time. I left feeling refreshed and recharged at sharing my space with people I care about. It was spontaneous, genuine, REAL. I understand that we all have busy lives, but Im afraid that with the digital voyeurism that we have now, that if I DIDNT have my Facebook account, that all of my friendships would be 'out of sight, out of mind'. Im afraid that my presence in anyones lives is just a matter of convenience, and that thought breaks my heart. I have been told to 'put myself out there', and I feel like I have tried again and again, to only feel as though I dont belong, like a cactus in a rosebed. I feel like I could go missing or die, and with the exception of my husband and son, no one would know for weeks. I dont know what we can do to change things, but I hope that we can do something. I didnt fill up my friends list with people that I dont genuinely care about, I would hate to lose them, but I would hate to invest the time to have a friendship that wasnt substantial.