Anyway, so lately Ive had some things weighing on my mind...and I dont feel like its something I can talk to anyone about because my reasons are pure emotion...its easier to be raw and open in writing than it is to be that way in front of someone else...exposed...totally vulnerable. But this is something that I need some help with..something I cant figure out on my own and I need someone removed from the situation to give me insight. Which is where you come in. Ok, here it is...my problem..
My job...this new job that Ive been trying to figure out..well...I dont feel like they NEED me as much as they said they do..I feel like Ive got an axe hanging over my head, and that at any moment its going to fall and lop my head off (not literally! metaphorically...financially...) but its getting to the point where I switch jobs every few months and I HATE feeling like a transient. I dont feel established in anything and I hate it! So I feel like I should stay...or go? I dont know! Also, a big part of me looking at other employment options is that Im only making $8 an hour...yeah I know...not bad if your just starting out...but every paycheck goes almost entirely to bills. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Im barely keeping my head afloat, and JUST when I think I can get ahead a little...something else happens (needing another box of contacts? yep..$70, finding out I need to renew my insurance for the next 6 months on my car..*Sigh* $250...plus my car loan, 2 student loans, my phone, and tithing..not even counting gas money, bus passes or food...yeah..its overwhelming.) I keep toying with the idea of a family history mission, but I simply cant afford it, so I havent even prayed about. I also want to get my degree through Sheffield in Interior Design...but again...I cant afford it. I cant even save enough each month to make a dent in ANYTHING. Ive thought about a second, night job...but if I did that, I wouldnt get ANY sleep between my jobs. I can do a lot of things, but running on 2 hours of sleep every day is something I can't and won't do.
So heres where my possible (albeit unpleasant) solution comes in. I can sell my wedding dress. I could get at least $600 for it. But this dress and I have been through...well...we have been through Hell together. (ok, the dress didnt go through anything, I did..but you KNOW what I meant!) This dress...its the only truly nice thing Ive ever, EVER had. The one thing that wasnt a hand-me-down....I am the ONLY person who has ever wore this dress, and minor hemming aside, it fits me like it was made just for me. This dress makes me feel like I am the most beautiful woman on the planet...no, in ALL of creation, from the beginning to the end of time. I put this dress on, and I feel incredible happiness and peace. I feel hope and promise and of better things to come. I feel like I am something worth waiting for. (haha can you tell that even thinking about it does the same?) I adore this dress and all that it is to me, and even though I got it when I was engaged to Patrick, I decided to keep it, because I loved it, and the only negative memory I have with this dress is of Patrick looking at it and begging me to sell it because he thought it was ugly. (which, really, was another bonus for me to keep it.) But...I have to be realistic. Not to be a negative Nellie or anything..but Im just not the kind of girl that has some great guy sweeps off her feet. Im the girl next door, everyones sister, the friend. As much of a dreamer I am, I also know that my chances at finding anyone get slimmer every day. And I really cant blame anyone but me. I have TERRIBLE money sense, Im moody and really....I have trust issues a mile wide. Yeah, Im a good person, I love kids, animals and the simple things in life, I work hard and do my best. All I really expect in a man is that they love me for who I am. Forever. And that they treat me right. I dont need anything else really......ok...back from my digressing. I feel like I have to sell my dress in order to get out from this crushing mound of bills (heaven forbid I accrue any medical expenses....Ill be doomed!) I can sell my dress to someone who really will use it, who will get to feel like the princess I wanted to be, and I can get ahead...get my feet under me. Maybe find a way to slowly better my life, like an education, a job I love and a home of my own. Or I can keep my dress. the beautiful floor length white, matte fabric that fits me like a dream, the embroidery and beads waiting in the dark recesses of my moms closet for some elusive someday when I may get a new lease on love. (still being poor as a church mouse, mind you) I guess that if I sell the dress...and I find someone who promises to stay and keeps that promise...I could always borrow a dress from one of the hundreds of people who kindly offered me theirs last time I was engaged. It wouldnt really be the same...Id still be a hand-me-down princess...but does any of that even matter?! Especially if I can get my education, and every goal I have set, every dream that is danging like the proverbial carrot in front of me, then it wouldnt matter right?
I dont know what to do anymore...and while the decision may be clearly obvious to you, I really dont know what to do...this kept me up in sick, anxious knots all night...please, any suggestions...anything...?
Well, I have some thoughts... First of all, I know you love the iPhone and everything, but if you are in a scenario where you are barely keeping your head above water each month, some reconsidering might need to be done... I looked it up and on the cheap side an iPhone sets you back 60 a month. if you got a different phone where you didn't have messaging or texts you would save 20 a month, making your phone cost 40. over the course of a year, you will have saved 240 dollars at 20 cheaper a month. that is also 20 more a month you have to pay bills with. I don't have any idea what your plan has... but this is just a general estimate.
ReplyDeleteAnother thought, eating out at restaurants. Don't do it if you can help it. those little meals here and there eat through your money faster than you can even imagine. I LOVE good food, and I personally know how difficult it can be to just not go to that restaurant when you want to and eat food from home instead. Sandwich's, I swear by them. If you consider that an average meal from fast food is 4-6 dollars, and a niceer place is closer to 10+. If you are eating out twice a week. that is 10 for fast food and 20 for nicer. putting that in context... 40 dollars a month on fast food or 80 dollars a month on nicer meals. This is a conservative value.
Combine that with the cell phone savings and you have an extra 60-100 dollars a month to use for bills, loans, and such.
so when you put that over one year, 720-1200 dollars saved. Again, rough estimates. What this adds up to is this. in a years time with these savings estimates, you have counter-acted the cost of your dress, giving you no reason whatsoever to get rid of something that makes you feel beautiful. :)
Ditch the dress:-) I am sorry to sound harsh or mean (not my intention) but ok this is how I look at it: You said even thinking about the dress makes you happy -maybe that is enough and you don't have to have the dress hanging in the closet? I do understand why you hold on to it, but at the same time I can't help but wonder if it isn't more the idea of the dress and what it meant to you that's hard to part with. Think about this: When you do find your special someone it might be nice to get a dress that does not carry old memories and that is new and special for just that special occasion.. I don't know...but it seems to me that if you feel the money that you would get for that dress would help you reach a goal in your life -such as getting closer to going to school again, then wouldn't that be awesome? Like trading in your past for your future? Also, it IS only a material thing and in that sense it doesn't matter at all...I am SURE that when you got to that special occasion, the right dress just for you would show up out of nowhere (mine was around 140 bucks, that's shoes included:-P) and even if it didn't - your wedding wouldn't be any less important or magical for you. I can't put myself in your shoes and feel what you feel about it but that's my 2 cents:-)
ReplyDeleteDear Cassie
ReplyDelete:)
i like your blog.
And....as for the dress...
I know a few girls who are trying to sell theirs; I don't know anyone that has SOLD theirs, and I don't know if you would get as much out of your beautiful dress as you think you might, regardless of what its worth...but of course, I could be wrong.
I say...what does your gut tell you? I like the idea of trading in your past for your future as the previous poster said. But I also think you REALLY love your dress, and might regret selling it. If it's irreplacable to you, that's that.
I would look at other ways to save money, online classes, etc. Have you done a fafsa recently? I bet you could get grants that would help pay for school! And I used to have this really awesome, flexible job before I got married, and I'm going to fb message you the details. :)
Good luck!!!