A deep discussion on a delicate matter

Ive been thinking about writing this post for months now, but Ive held back. I feel like this is an important subject to make people aware of, but the truth be told, this is a VERY personal, and has some really gross details. Should you decide not to read this post, I will not take it personal at all, actually, I wont even know. However, I think that all the ladies reading this, or all the ones you know deserve to know this.







That being said, if you are still reading, thanks for being brave enough to hang in there.


Last fall, I made a terrible decision to start hormonal birth control. Not because I need a birth control, but simply so that I would stop breaking out. And you know what? It worked really well! My skin was nice and clear, my moods leveled out, I dropped weight and honestly, I felt fabulous! I felt beautiful and happy! It was great. Everything you hear about the positives of birth control was certainly true. I had been on it for a few months when suddenly things went wrong. (this is the part where its starts getting a little gory, so feel free to leave now if you want) My period started 3 weeks early, I was mildly annoyed since I had just had it, but I just dealt with it and moved on, except it didnt stop at the end of the week like it usually does. It didnt stop the next week either, or the next. By the third week, I started freaking out that my body was losing so much blood. For those who understand the menses, it was like having a first day for three weeks. I went to the doctor and after all those super awkward exams and ultrasounds, he concluded there was nothing wrong and that it would eventually end. I left feeling anxious, but hopeful that things would end soon. Another week passed. And by the end of the fifth week I was stressed, terrified and in rather extreme pain from over a month of bleeding. One night I hit my breaking point, after having the flow of blood increase to the point to where I was afraid I would get TSS. I came home from work late that night and begged my parents to take me to the ER. The doctor there was much more concerned and prescribed a higher dosage of estrogen to help my body level out. I was given pain pills and was forced to promise that I would follow up with my regular doctor in a few days. The lucky news is that the higher dosage worked and things finally seemed normal. But that only lasted a week, and then it returned to what it was like the 5 weeks prior, after the second week of that again, I called my doctor in tears and she suggested that I work into the placebos and try to reset my system, then work back to a normal routine. Instead I decided to quit completely, and my system reset itself. I was never, ever so relieved before. I was doing fine, but after almost two months and my menses having not started back up again I realized my body was still not quite fixed. Too scared to call my doctor, I began to pray. Within a few days my body had finally worked everything out and I returned to normal...sorta. In the past few months, I have noticed that I have gained a lot of weight, coming almost to the highest weight I have ever been, my skin has broken out almost more greatly than it ever has before, and I can feel the hormones in my system going haywire, causing my moods to change with minimal notice and my body to be in a pretty regular state of exhaustion. Its been really tough, and I know that it will take quite a while for things to return to normal. I regret it often, the decision to start birth control was and will be one that I regret for a long time. As all of this was going on, my biggest fear was that I would never be able to have children. I still dont know for sure if I have somehow screwed that up, but Im confident that I havent totally ruined that avenue yet. I guess there are two morals of the story here. One is that birth control is a fine thing, but its one that should be entered into after serious prayer and consideration, and an informed discussion of the risks with your doctor. The other is that there are things that are truly important and things that may seem important but are nothing more than vanity. Had I not been so concerned with my stupid skin blemishes, I would have never gotten into the situation that I had. It pains me often to think that I may have sacrificed the ability to have children all because I was too worried that a few zits would make me unattractive to the world. This has been a humbling and terrifying experience and I hope that you all take a moment to think about eternal consequences of temporal decisions.

One last thought. As I was going though all of this, several of my dearest friends had the opportunity to find out what was wrong and to help easy my stress, many of them chose the opposite, making mountains out of molehills and making things SO much harder than they needed to be. There were days I prayed for nothing more than a hug, and instead I found confrontations seeking me out. I wish that when people could tell there was something wrong, they took the chance to make things easier, instead of making things worse. You never know what kind of battle someone is fighting. Be an ally, not an enemy.